Author: Lan Xin (Senior Psychological Counselor)
Edit: Fu Yang
Source: Marriage and Family Magazine
01
Wife who is 5 months pregnant will have an abortion
When Zhao Han and Bai Xiao came to consult for the first time, the scene was chaotic.
Bai Xiao is a pregnant woman who is 5 months pregnant. She cried as soon as she entered the door: "Don’t force me, I really don’t know if you want to give birth to this child!"
The more she said so, the more irritable Zhao Han.No matter how his wife cries, he has only one sentence: "You don’t want this child, let’s divorce!"
Bai Xiao and Zhao Han are partners and operate a mobile phone shop together.One year after getting along, the two registered to get married.Because they were all foreigners, they did not hold a wedding, nor did they see their parents, but simply invited a few friends to start a new wedding life.
After Bai Xiao’s pregnancy, Zhao Han was very happy. In order to avoid accidents, she asked her to go home to raise her fetus.However, after suddenly leisure, Bai Xiao found that his time was too much.
She has no friends in the local area, and the busy Zhao Han often does not go home to eat, and is very lonely.In the evening, as soon as Zhao Han arrived home, she asked Dong and west around him.After a long time, Zhao Han’s answer became more and more perfunctory.At this time, Bai Xiao discovered that she and her husband had no common topic except for business things.
After the baby moved, Bai Xiao felt the joy of being a mother for the first time.She called her mother, but her mother’s response was very cold; she wanted to tell her mother -in -law that she did not even have her mother -in -law’s mobile phone number because Zhao Han never contacted her parents.
Why is it pregnant, and the other women are held up by her family, but she is not asking for it?This loss and grievances are repeatedly fermented in their hearts, and Bai Xiao’s emotions are gradually getting out of control.As long as she is unwilling, she loses her temper and does not eat.At the beginning, Zhao Han was still able to coax her.
Bai Xiao felt that her husband had changed his heart and thought aggrieved, "Now he is like me. Can we raise it when the child is born?"
Zhao Han was shocked and angry, but no matter how he persuaded, soothe, and promised, Bai Xiao insisted on abortion.Zhao Han believed that his wife was unreasonable, so he proposed a divorce to her.
02
They have duckweed without roots
I asked Bai Xiao: "Can you summarize your worry in one sentence?" Bai Xiao said: "I think this home is not like a home!"
After listening to his wife, Zhao Han said angrily, "What are you going to? I will give you the business of the head store, and the money and ledger are held in your hands. What else can I do?"
Bai Xiao said slowly: "I started thinking about the meaning of the family from a trivial matter. Two months ago, Zhao Han’s gallstone criminals were so painful. There were no elders around me. I don’t know what to do.Hit 120 for help. On the ambulance, I am particularly panicked, as if there are only two of us in the world … "
I tried to describe Bai Xiao’s feelings: "You feel lonely, don’t rely on, right?"
Bai Xiaohong nodded and said, "Yes! Since then, I have depended on him. If there is a child in the future, there will be more troubles, I really have no confidence!"
After listening to his wife, Zhao Han was also silent.After a long time, he said, "Let’s work alone outside, this is also a fact!" In a word, Bai Xiao was depressed again.The couple are always telling one person, and the other is explaining that it cannot form an emotional response and resonance.
Before the first consultation, I left them a thinking question: "To communicate with each other’s growth experience and see if there is anything in common?"
During the second consultation, Zhao Han first said to me, "I don’t know if I have a bad relationship with my parents. Is it our common point?"
Ten years ago, when Zhao Han left his hometown in Northeast China, he vowed not to go back again.Since childhood, he has never seen his father, and he has not allowed to mention this person at home.His mother went to work in the south and threw him to his grandparents.Every time I go home in the New Year, my mother follows an uncle. He wants to be close to his mother, but does not know what to do.
He was looking forward to his mother’s return day and night, but he was looking forward to the news that his mother remarried and had children.After that, Zhao Han left his hometown and went outside.He and his mother’s only connection was that when he opened a mobile phone shop, his mother lent him 100,000 yuan.After he returned the money to her, the mother and son had no contact, and he completely became the "outsider" of that home.
Bai Xiao’s parents have 3 children. She is the most unloved child in the family.Three children also made mistakes, and she was always scolded, but her good things had her rarely.Gradually, she no longer relies on her parents, and she did not expect her parents, but the sense of security lacking in her heart had nowhere to find.
Bai Xiao said: "Zhao Han and I are like duckweed. There is no foundation! I have never expected my parents to help me bring my children, but they do not smell and make me a bit aggrieved. Maybe, in their impression, IStill the child who was not promoted at first! "
Zhao Han also had the same feeling: "When the child grows up, if you ask my grandparents, I told him at most that his family is in the field, and I will never say too much!"
When it comes to life, the two caught in a sad emotion in an all -round way.But this injury is a specific emotional connection between them.Because there is no enough sense of belonging in native families, they can comfort each other after seeing each other, and soon form a home.This is the power that the pain brought to them in the past.
Facing the child’s arrival, two people who have no sense of belonging actually feel uneasy.However, they have different ways to deal with uneasiness: Zhao Han is desperately making money, hoping to obtain a sense of economic security; Bai Xiao is trying to find a sense of emotional connection.After being frustrated with her mother, she was quite sensitive to love and belonging, and the requirements of her husband continued to improve.In the end, the uneasiness in her heart was presented with an extreme behavior of "asking abortion".
03
Find the connection between home and home
After two consultations, the relationship between Zhao Han and Bai Xiao improved.They can see the needs of each other, Zhao Han is more concerned about his wife, and Bai Xiao also gives her husband appropriately.
But this is not enough. Only by helping them find their positions in their families and find a sense of regression, they can accept their lives and then accept their children’s arrival.
For the third consultation, I taught them painters. Every important family member must be presented, including their names, gender, birth date, personality hobbies, resources, and close relationships.After the painting, I invited them to introduce the most meaningful part of their family genealogy.
Zhao Han’s words made us very touched: "I suddenly realized that in this family spectrum, there is another person like me that he has never obtained the status of a formal family member, that is my dad!"
"Do you remember him?" Bai Xiao asked softly.
Zhao Han shook his head and said, "I don’t remember. But I suddenly understand why you said that when you said that the abortion, I would be so angry. I am afraid that you will deprive me of my father’s right! Although I don’t have fatherly love, I hope I can I can be able to I canBe a good father … "
Bai Xiao had already burst into tears and nodded in response: "You will! I believe you!"
Later, when Bai Xiao introduced his own family spectrum, he also found his own position: "In the past, I always felt that my dad was the core of the family. But you see, the relatives I can remember are all my mother’s side.. Since childhood, my mother’s family has given our family a lot of support. This is why I feel weak now. I feel that I do n’t have a mother family! In the past, I think my mother is useless.Attentive.
However, in this family spectrum, I see that everyone has the most close relationship with my mother.Whoever pays a lot of pay at home must be rewarded!I am willing to pay for my children now, and I think children need me too!"
Zhao Han immediately stated: "The child is both of us, I won’t let you give it alone. I have already thought about it. Please ask a nanny to help you take care of your child.Take him to the store, while taking care of him while working, I will definitely be a good dad! "
This is the first time that the couple are connected like their families.In order to help them cultivate their feelings, I suggest that they date at least once a week to have one -on -one couples; stay for 10 minutes every night, exchange their feelings with each other, one person tells, and the other listens.
At the end of the consultation, Bai Xiao smiled and said to me, "Teacher Lan, you don’t have to worry about us. I found from the family’s spectrum that the people in my family are like fighters.! "
Perhaps they still have regrets between them and their parents, but they have been able to find their positions in their families and find a sense of belonging; learn to dig positive things from their past experiences, build a new sense of connection with their partners, and live with their heart.I think this is enough.
This article is excerpted from "Marriage and Family" magazine
Original title "Wife with pregnancy is going to abortion"
